How to Fight a Shark

May 23, 2011 § 2 Comments

Because an injustice to one is an injustice to all, sometimes fighting a bully is the only way to say “yes” to peace and goodwill towards men, and the people who are not men.

This is where sharks come in.   Like people, sharks can be bullies – always picking on the little guy.  So even though you may die of a falling coconut before your big fight, you should at least be prepared.

First, you need to make sure you are dealing with a true bully, and not an innocent passerby.  Some sharks support peace, and are merely curious.  If a shark swims up to just to check you out, say hello!  Sharks are sensitive, and do not like presumption, so if you assume a shark will eat you then it probably will, just to teach you a lesson.

If you have determined your shark is not your new friend, then you are ok to fight it.  To do this, you cannot avoid the ocean.  A fight on the beach would not be fair, because sharks don’t have legs.

But the ocean is a big, big place, and it may be hard to track down your shark in all that water.  To help, let your shark know you are there for battle.  Like all epic fights, go alone at twilight.  You will be much more likely to find your shark then, because he will probably be out looking for food, anyway.

Remember that you don’t speak the same language, so you must find other ways to communicate.  Try wearing a flashy bathing suit and bright, shiny jewelry – sparkles look like fish scales, and it will be so much easier for the shark to spot you!

Next, you can try some seal imitations, because they are what sharks are programmed to look for.  Acting like a seal is a good way to get the attention of a shark that is ignoring you.

If the shark still does not come to the showdown, give yourself a paper cut.  Now it will just be a minute.

Now that you went and cut yourself, you cannot take it back.  You cannot out-swim a shark, so you are stuck.  Fight like a man, or someone who is not a man:  do not juggle.


Pay attention, because sharks can be sneaky and do not want you to know they are about to bite you.  This is why you always need to keep your eye on it.  Remember, never turn your back to a bully!

Now you need tactics.  Good tactics for fighting sharks are not guns or pepper spray.  Bullets do not travel well in water, and pepper spray is just silly.

There are really only three tactics you need to remember, so it is very easy.  This is because a shark is only weak in a couple spots, so while it is easy to remember what to do you will probably die, because unlike a shark you are weak all over.

The first is the eyes.  The best thing you can do is hit, stab, or comically poke the shark in the eye.  If you do this, not only will it swim away in defeat, but you will get to live out your dream of being like Moe.

Because a shark’s eye is not very big, you may not be able to find it.  Just like the side of a human throat is sensitive to being mauled, so are a shark’s gills, which are kind of like a throat but more sensitive because of all the holes.

If neither of these works, then you only have one other option:  hugging.  If you hug the shark tight enough, you may melt its cool, bully exterior and live to swim another day.  You may also kill it, because sharks need to move to live.


But this is ok, because the shark started it.

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