May 2, 2011 § Leave a comment
Anyone can get drunk, but not everyone can get drunk with skill and style. In the game of Life, both of these traits are important to making people think you are awesome. Drinking is one of the social rituals designed to separate the cool from those less so – that way, you know who is Lame and can avoid them.
First, you need to do a little planning. Where are you going to drink, when, and with whom? These questions of setting are crucial – answer them wrong, and you might be put in the Lame Box. Try to avoid anything that might classify you as a drunk – no one likes the guy who needs alcohol because without it, he’s just not cool. And you are cool – so cool, you are going to get drunk only because you love life, not because you are sad and lonely. To this end, drinking on a bench, alone, on a Tuesday at 2pm is probably a bad move. Do not do this.
After you have chosen your setting, make sure you don’t get there too early – you don’t want to seem overly eager, and if you are the first of your group to arrive, everyone will see you sitting alone and think you have no friends. Show up late enough that you know at least two of your friends will already be there, so you have people to talk to and can highlight your successful social life. Arriving right on time doesn’t mean you’re punctual, it means you had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.
First impressions are important, even at places you go a lot. There is always another opportunity to create a dynamic first impression for that particular night of drinking. Remember this, because you want the people who don’t know you to want to be friends with you. Especially members of the opposite sex. You also want to let the bartender know right away that he/she will be seeing a lot of you. Set the scene by greeting your alcohol provider with a warm and confident grin, and say something that will let them know you will be a good customer, like “Wooo let’s par-tay!” and the obvious but effective, “I’m here to get drunk!” They will like you so much for your honesty and direct business communication that you will get a free drink.
Now you begin to drink. Order either a shot or a beer to start the night: a shot if you want to everyone to think you’re a lot of fun, and a beer if you want everyone to think that you are too cool to care if they think you’re a lot of fun. Mixed drinks will feature later and are not recommended for the opening move, since ordering one first shows that you are trying to impress people.
Wine is super-lame. Do not do this.
Make sure that you are never seen not engaged in a fun conversation with at least one other person. It is wise to establish yourself as having friends, so before you migrate to talking to strangers and having extended/flirtatious exchanges with the bartender, spend time drinking with your group and be seen buying a round. That way, while you may be a drunk, you will not be seen as a lonely drunk.
At this point, you should be at least five drinks into the night and should be feeling buzzed. You have been primed by beer and perhaps at least one shot. Now it is time to switch to mixed drinks, and make sure you get other people to drink them, too, since flying solo on Mojitos and Long Island Iced Teas always looks sad. If you are a girl, the sweeter and fruitier the better, because it will taste like juice and you will drink faster. If you are a guy, you can’t be seen drinking a girly drink unless you want your new friends to think you are weak. Would James Bond drink a Raspberry Kiss?
Now that you are drunk, your task is to get more drunk while having as much fun as possible. You are now free to either stay with the mixed drinks, or proceed to simply drinking scotch or whiskey, which has the added benefit of making you seem sophisticated. Since everyone else will be drunk, you can share your knowledge about different kinds of scotch and whiskey without actually having any, and no one will notice. They will think you are so smart!
At this point, you are free to tell stories very loudly while interrupting people, sing karaoke and dance to whatever music is playing. This is crucial to really being drunk, because people will think you are sober unless you dance.
You can now transition to the final stage of the evening: shots. Shots are important, because they are fast and powerful, and it is very easy to get other people to drink them as part of things called “drinking games.” Then everyone else will sing and dance, too, and you will have succeeded in turning the bar into a party. Everyone will remember you did this, and they will thank you, probably by buying you alcohol.
Very important is to stay suave. Do not throw up! If you do, you will be Lame, especially if you throw up on someone. If you have to throw up, be sure to do so in private – in the bathroom or in a dark corner. If you do throw up in front of people, try to turn the situation to your advantage by raising your arms in victory shouting, “Takin’ one for the team, yeah!” Then they will appreciate you for your sacrifice.
At this point, you are very drunk and it is very late. Be sure that you are not the last to leave and make sure you have not been photographed doing anything too embarrassing. Do not forget that you came with things like a wallet and a phone, so you don’t leave them behind like you did last time. Thank your bartender on the way out since you may be back and you want them to remember how good you are at getting drunk – with both skill and style.