How to Use Facebook

May 18, 2011 § Leave a comment

Using Facebook is very important, because it is an instant way to generate friends.  This is really the only kind of friendship that matters, so if you do not use Facebook it is like falling off the edge of the universe.

To do anything at all, you must first sign-in — including to read this blog.  To “sign-in” you can click the “subscribe” button.  If you’re reading this without having “signed-in,” it is probably a loop-hole, and will be fixed soon.

Once you are signed-in to Facebook, you can do many worthless things.  But the Facebook people know that everyone wants to do different things that are worthless, this is why you can customize your Facebook experience to be worthless in just the way you like.

Slate knows what is up!

The most important thing to do on Facebook is to friend.  You friend people in order to become friends with them.  Because this is hard to remember, Facebook helps you out by always listing 50 or so people who you do not know, so you can friend them and find out what you have been missing.

One of the greatest benefits to having so many friends is that you can carefully monitor everything that they do.  Some people call this stalking, but the government knows better.

Many people think that it is hard to have privacy on Facebook, which means the Facebook people have done a very good job getting the word out about that one.

But if you would really like some privacy, there is a trick.  All you must do is post so many annoying status updates and invite everyone to your Farmville – that way, everyone will block you and no one on the internet will know anything about you anymore.

This is probably why so many people suck at Facebook.  They just want a little me-time.

If you do not want any privacy, you need to have manners.  Because this is hard, especially with relationships, you need public service announcements.

People Who Dislike the Dislike Button

Sometimes, a funny thing happens and someone wants to leave Facebook.  This is really hard to understand, because Facebook is so hard to dislike.  There is not even a button for that!

This is probably because some are too young to know better.  Thankfully, there is a 2-week waiting period after you request to delete your account before anything actually happens.  Because Facebook is so important, in most states this is longer than you would have to wait to get the gun you bought!  That way, a tragic decision to delete made in the heat of the moment can be averted.

Because we can make bad decisions sometimes, it can be better to trust Facebook’s judgment.  If you try to delete, Facebook will list all your friends who will miss you if you go.  It is important for Facebook to try to convince you to stay – because without you, it gets a little smaller.

Because of this, deleting is really something Facebook cannot allow to happen.

Instead you should use your 2-week waiting period to take a stress pill and think things over.

If you do part ways with Facebook, make sure it’s not on bad terms – otherwise, you might find negative rumors planted about you, too.

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