How to Jailbreak Pretty Much Everything

June 11, 2011 § 3 Comments

 You cannot jailbreak anything you want.  This is because science has not gotten very far.  Scientists, like the iEmperors, guard their territory – sometimes, with little plastic guns.

Today, you can set free only certain devices, like iThings and maybe your cat.  But within the realm of the jailbreakable, you can do it 100% of the time.

Because jailbreaking is awesome (and legal), there is no reason why we should not be able to jailbreak everything.  One day, there will be an app for that, too.  That is why it is important to make a humble list, to be ready for when the app-pocalypse comes.

A Humble List:

1. Airlines.

Today, flying the friendly skies means paying extra to travel with anything other than your human body, and maybe a toothbrush.  It also means you probably do not even want to do that, since the skies are getting a little too ‘friendly’ these days, anyway.  It will be worth it, however, when there is finally an app to regain full control over what passes as meals.

2. Your Boss.

The money app:  jailbreak your boss, and you can finally add things to your cubicle-life that otherwise the system would not allow.

I'll get you, my pretty...bus

3. Public Transportation

Beleaguered by budget cuts and infrastructures that were built around carbon emissions, public transportation does a lot less transporting these days.  The current “Where’s The Bus” app keeps you a passive subject with no real power.   That’s why you need to whip out your iThing and bring that bus to you.

4. Your Cat.

Cats are not known for their super-friendly customer service, but that is ok, because you can change all that:  all catnip, all the time.

A Humble Device

5. Copy/Fax Machines.

You do not actually need an app for this, just a baseball bat.  Which is more fun, anyway.

Watch the destruction!

6. Your Brain.

This would not be like evolving to a super-human, which is why this is A Humble List.  But JBing your brain would really increase your powers of reception.  Men do not just “not listen,” they really cannot hear you.

How to Fight a Shark

May 23, 2011 § 2 Comments

Because an injustice to one is an injustice to all, sometimes fighting a bully is the only way to say “yes” to peace and goodwill towards men, and the people who are not men.

This is where sharks come in.   Like people, sharks can be bullies – always picking on the little guy.  So even though you may die of a falling coconut before your big fight, you should at least be prepared.

First, you need to make sure you are dealing with a true bully, and not an innocent passerby.  Some sharks support peace, and are merely curious.  If a shark swims up to just to check you out, say hello!  Sharks are sensitive, and do not like presumption, so if you assume a shark will eat you then it probably will, just to teach you a lesson.

If you have determined your shark is not your new friend, then you are ok to fight it.  To do this, you cannot avoid the ocean.  A fight on the beach would not be fair, because sharks don’t have legs.

But the ocean is a big, big place, and it may be hard to track down your shark in all that water.  To help, let your shark know you are there for battle.  Like all epic fights, go alone at twilight.  You will be much more likely to find your shark then, because he will probably be out looking for food, anyway.

Remember that you don’t speak the same language, so you must find other ways to communicate.  Try wearing a flashy bathing suit and bright, shiny jewelry – sparkles look like fish scales, and it will be so much easier for the shark to spot you!

Next, you can try some seal imitations, because they are what sharks are programmed to look for.  Acting like a seal is a good way to get the attention of a shark that is ignoring you.

If the shark still does not come to the showdown, give yourself a paper cut.  Now it will just be a minute.

Now that you went and cut yourself, you cannot take it back.  You cannot out-swim a shark, so you are stuck.  Fight like a man, or someone who is not a man:  do not juggle.

Ineffective

Pay attention, because sharks can be sneaky and do not want you to know they are about to bite you.  This is why you always need to keep your eye on it.  Remember, never turn your back to a bully!

Now you need tactics.  Good tactics for fighting sharks are not guns or pepper spray.  Bullets do not travel well in water, and pepper spray is just silly.

There are really only three tactics you need to remember, so it is very easy.  This is because a shark is only weak in a couple spots, so while it is easy to remember what to do you will probably die, because unlike a shark you are weak all over.

The first is the eyes.  The best thing you can do is hit, stab, or comically poke the shark in the eye.  If you do this, not only will it swim away in defeat, but you will get to live out your dream of being like Moe.

Because a shark’s eye is not very big, you may not be able to find it.  Just like the side of a human throat is sensitive to being mauled, so are a shark’s gills, which are kind of like a throat but more sensitive because of all the holes.

If neither of these works, then you only have one other option:  hugging.  If you hug the shark tight enough, you may melt its cool, bully exterior and live to swim another day.  You may also kill it, because sharks need to move to live.

BFFs 4EVR

But this is ok, because the shark started it.

How to Use Facebook

May 18, 2011 § Leave a comment

Using Facebook is very important, because it is an instant way to generate friends.  This is really the only kind of friendship that matters, so if you do not use Facebook it is like falling off the edge of the universe.

To do anything at all, you must first sign-in — including to read this blog.  To “sign-in” you can click the “subscribe” button.  If you’re reading this without having “signed-in,” it is probably a loop-hole, and will be fixed soon.

Once you are signed-in to Facebook, you can do many worthless things.  But the Facebook people know that everyone wants to do different things that are worthless, this is why you can customize your Facebook experience to be worthless in just the way you like.

http://www.slate.com/id/2174439/

Slate knows what is up!

The most important thing to do on Facebook is to friend.  You friend people in order to become friends with them.  Because this is hard to remember, Facebook helps you out by always listing 50 or so people who you do not know, so you can friend them and find out what you have been missing.

One of the greatest benefits to having so many friends is that you can carefully monitor everything that they do.  Some people call this stalking, but the government knows better.

Many people think that it is hard to have privacy on Facebook, which means the Facebook people have done a very good job getting the word out about that one.

But if you would really like some privacy, there is a trick.  All you must do is post so many annoying status updates and invite everyone to your Farmville – that way, everyone will block you and no one on the internet will know anything about you anymore.

This is probably why so many people suck at Facebook.  They just want a little me-time.

If you do not want any privacy, you need to have manners.  Because this is hard, especially with relationships, you need public service announcements.

People Who Dislike the Dislike Button

Sometimes, a funny thing happens and someone wants to leave Facebook.  This is really hard to understand, because Facebook is so hard to dislike.  There is not even a button for that!

This is probably because some are too young to know better.  Thankfully, there is a 2-week waiting period after you request to delete your account before anything actually happens.  Because Facebook is so important, in most states this is longer than you would have to wait to get the gun you bought!  That way, a tragic decision to delete made in the heat of the moment can be averted.

Because we can make bad decisions sometimes, it can be better to trust Facebook’s judgment.  If you try to delete, Facebook will list all your friends who will miss you if you go.  It is important for Facebook to try to convince you to stay – because without you, it gets a little smaller.

Because of this, deleting is really something Facebook cannot allow to happen.

Instead you should use your 2-week waiting period to take a stress pill and think things over.

If you do part ways with Facebook, make sure it’s not on bad terms – otherwise, you might find negative rumors planted about you, too.

How to Live in Germany

May 14, 2011 § 7 Comments

Typical

Germany is a magical place full of people who really like dogs and beer – because you can take your dog into restaurants and take your beer out of them.  In fact, Germans like beer so much that they let you drink it pretty much anywhere anytime you want, including at breakfast.  You won’t mind this, because unlike in America, German beer is actually very good, especially when combined with lemonade or banana juice.

"Beer for breakfast" - so common it's a t-shirt!

To live in Germany, so you can order beer for breakfast instead of orange juice, you first must be allowed to stay there.  For this, you will need a visa, so you will probably have to go to the visa office at least 4 times.  This includes the time they will “misplace” your application materials, and the time they will tell you the materials they found weren’t “in order” to begin with.  But this is ok, because it will give you so much more experience learning how to estimate delays on your local public transportation system.  This happens a lot.

Once you are allowed to stay, you will need to find ways to survive, which is hard because the stores are never open.  This is not so bad, since you don’t have any money anyway, because the bank is never open, either.

You will soon learn that it is very good that the stores are pretty much always closed, because shopping can be so bad for your health.  It is actually true that the most stressful place in Germany is the check-out line at your local grocery store!  This is probably why beer is so available, because after running errands you always need one.

To survive in Germany, you will also need to find a place to live.  Good luck.

Death by another name

Once you find a place to live, you will have to get creative, because there are never any closets and the windows always try to kill you when you open them.

Germans are very nice people who never get angry about anything except the trash.  Germans have a very complex and sophisticated system of recycling, so it will take a few months of patient study to learn how it works.  This means that you will probably piss off a few Germans while you learn the subtle differences between kinds of garbage, but it is ok, because afterwards you can all go out for a beer.

Super organized. Super impossible.

To live in Germany, you will need to learn how to walk more than short distances.  This is because Germans really like to walk a whole lot.  In fact, Germans will walk over just about anything for fun, including very large hills and boulders.

Regular Germans hiking

This is ok, because the only food in Germany is bread, potatoes, sausage, cheese, ice cream, pizza, and döner kebabs.  This is probably why Germans walk over so many hills.

The last thing you need to do in order to live in Germany is to greet all sunny days with a celebration – but this will not be hard for you to schedule because there are really only 3 or 4 of them each year.

Celebrating can come in many forms, but if you really want to teach your taste buds some new tricks, there’s only one place to go:  to the bottom of a Bembel.

Ebbelwoi for everyone!

How to Play the Banjo

May 10, 2011 § Leave a comment

Playing the banjo is probably not something you should do, especially if you have a pre-existing medical condition.   If you don’t, but want one, this is a great way to do so – especially if you are willing to give up credibility.

No cred.

Credibility is something that musicians have, and banjo players are not musicians – they just hang out with them a whole lot.  To be a musician there are very simple rules that almost anyone can follow.  Most important is that your instrument must be in tune.  Banjo players, who spend half their time trying to get in tune, and the other half out of it, do not like this rule.

This is why every banjo player needs a capo, because once you are out of tune all you have to do is put it on your banjo and you can instantly be out of tune in every other key!

Out of tune in any language!

Being a banjo player can be very hard, because people who aren’t musicians don’t know what it is, and people who are musicians wish they didn’t.  This means that you cannot travel through an airport without many people asking you what it is you’re carrying.  This can add 20-25 minutes to your total travel experience, but it’s ok because you now have more opportunity to show off all the cool stickers on your banjo case!

Very bad is that everyone will ask you if you can play “Dueling Banjos,” but because it is not a Scruggs song no one has bothered to teach it to you.

If you decide you are ok with medical conditions but no credibility, then you should probably play the banjo.  First, you have to decide what kind of banjo you want.  This is hard, because you have to make decisions that not even pianists have to make!  How many strings do you want?  You could pick 4, 5, or even 6, and most banjo players can’t even count that high.

You also have to decide what style you want to play.  You can play with little pieces of metal and plastic attached to the ends of your fingers, or you can forego those unnatural extensions to be more in touch with your instrument.  This means that you will spend many months contorting your right hand to look both like a “claw” and like a “hammer” simultaneously, and then a few more months trying to figure out how to play your instrument like that.

Now that you have made all these hard choices, you are ready to learn some songs!  Many people think this will be easy, because you can really only tell banjo songs apart by their names, anyway.  However, every banjo player has a different name for every song, so communication is really not very efficient.

Hammer on...your banjo?

How to make the loud louder

However, once you get past these difficulties, it is really kinda fun.  Playing the banjo really just means you get to pull things off of some other things, and hammer on some more things, all day long!  When you play with musicians, be sure to remember to bump into the fiddle player a few times, to stomp your foot, and to play louder than everyone else.

And if you’re not loud enough, remember, you can always go electric.

WARNING:  A banjo is a dangerous instrument that has been known to kill zombies.  Play with care.

Multi-functional

How to Be a Ninja

May 5, 2011 § 5 Comments

To be a ninja, you must have “skills,” which are hard to learn because hardly anyone knows them, and those who do aren’t allowed to tell you.

This gives the game away!

This is like a ninja “code of silence,” but most importantly, it means that once you become one, you are not allowed to brag to all your non-ninja friends.  This means you cannot wear a headband with the word “ninja” on it.  Sorry.

Being a ninja is also really bad for your social life, because you will have to spend a lot of time being quiet and sneaking around.  This makes it very hard to sustain a relationship, because people do not like “creeps” – that means, people who “creep,” which pretty much rules out ninjas.  Sorry.

Training to be a ninja is a lot of work!  It involves getting beat up by people who just want to help you reach your full potential.  This means that you will probably be covered in bruises and be in constant pain for at least 5-10 years.  Sorry.

Now that you are ready to begin your training, you have to find someone who will train you.  This is no easy matter, because like regular ninja, sensei are very hard to find.  This is probably because they are wearing masks.

Ninja masks have magical properties.  Not only do they make you invisible, but they also let you see in the dark.  If you walk around wearing a ninja mask long enough, you will eventually spot a sensei.

Important to remember is that if you see a sensei, then that means the sensei probably saw you at least two hours ago.  If you are still alive, that means that you have potential, and you are very lucky.  Get ready, because your training is about to begin!

You are about to get beat up, which is called “learning how to fight.”  Eventually this will include “learning how to fight – with weapons,” which is the best part!  That means you can play with very sharp objects which are probably illegal.  However, this is ok, provided you do not make loud, unnecessary sounds when you hit things.  Real ninja do not do this.  Sorry.

Being a ninja means you have to be good at multi-tasking – ninja must do more than just fight!  As a ninja, you also have to know how to escape from things.  This means, you must have some really cool moves.  To practice, you can view any room or street as an impromptu obstacle course.  There is so much out there for you to jump over and climb!  One day, you will be able to jump off ledges, scale the walls of buildings, and do cool things in trees.

Ninja Tree Skills, Level 4

Because ninja are also spies, you have to be really good at surveillance.  This means you must not only be able to run, jump, and climb trees, but you must also be able to think really fast.  Ninja training involves not only physical, but mental hardship, too!  This is good, because there are so many ways to practice making your brain hurt, one of which is the New York Times Saturday crossword puzzle.

You cannot surveil someone if they can see you.  This is why ninja are so good at hiding.  The invisibility masks help, but true ninja can hide even without them.  You can get really good at this by practicing creeping up on people.  Remember, you cannot explain why you’re doing this by telling them about being a ninja, so they probably won’t be your friends for long.

This is ok, because the ninja lifestyle does not really support having friends, anyway.  You cannot have friends unless you are able to relax, and you cannot relax when you are constantly on the alert.  This means you will have to give up things other than friends, like sleep.

Ninja do not sleep – they only wait.

And they're not even wearing masks!

How to Get Drunk with Skill and Style

May 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

Anyone can get drunk, but not everyone can get drunk with skill and style.  In the game of Life, both of these traits are important to making people think you are awesome.  Drinking is one of the social rituals designed to separate the cool from those less so – that way, you know who is Lame and can avoid them.

Looks like someone didn't read the Guide!

First, you need to do a little planning.  Where are you going to drink, when, and with whom?  These questions of setting are crucial – answer them wrong, and you might be put in the Lame Box.  Try to avoid anything that might classify you as a drunk – no one likes the guy who needs alcohol because without it, he’s just not cool.  And you are cool – so cool, you are going to get drunk only because you love life, not because you are sad and lonely.  To this end, drinking on a bench, alone, on a Tuesday at 2pm is probably a bad move.  Do not do this.

After you have chosen your setting, make sure you don’t get there too early – you don’t want to seem overly eager, and if you are the first of your group to arrive, everyone will see you sitting alone and think you have no friends.  Show up late enough that you know at least two of your friends will already be there, so you have people to talk to and can highlight your successful social life.  Arriving right on time doesn’t mean you’re punctual, it means you had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.

Love your bartender, and your bartender will love you back

First impressions are important, even at places you go a lot.  There is always another opportunity to create a dynamic first impression for that particular night of drinking.  Remember this, because you want the people who don’t know you to want to be friends with you.  Especially members of the opposite sex.  You also want to let the bartender know right away that he/she will be seeing a lot of you.  Set the scene by greeting your alcohol provider with a warm and confident grin, and say something that will let them know you will be a good customer, like “Wooo let’s par-tay!” and the obvious but effective, “I’m here to get drunk!”  They will like you so much for your honesty and direct business communication that you will get a free drink.

Now you begin to drink.  Order either a shot or a beer to start the night:  a shot if you want to everyone to think you’re a lot of fun, and a beer if you want everyone to think that you are too cool to care if they think you’re a lot of fun.  Mixed drinks will feature later and are not recommended for the opening move, since ordering one first shows that you are trying to impress people.

Wine is super-lame.  Do not do this.

Make sure that you are never seen not engaged in a fun conversation with at least one other person.  It is wise to establish yourself as having friends, so before you migrate to talking to strangers and having extended/flirtatious exchanges with the bartender, spend time drinking with your group and be seen buying a round.  That way, while you may be a drunk, you will not be seen as a lonely drunk.

At this point, you should be at least five drinks into the night and should be feeling buzzed.  You have been primed by beer and perhaps at least one shot.  Now it is time to switch to mixed drinks, and make sure you get other people to drink them, too, since flying solo on Mojitos and Long Island Iced Teas always looks sad.  If you are a girl, the sweeter and fruitier the better, because it will taste like juice and you will drink faster.  If you are a guy, you can’t be seen drinking a girly drink unless you want your new friends to think you are weak.  Would James Bond drink a Raspberry Kiss?

Now that you are drunk, your task is to get more drunk while having as much fun as possible.  You are now free to either stay with the mixed drinks, or proceed to simply drinking scotch or whiskey, which has the added benefit of making you seem sophisticated.  Since everyone else will be drunk, you can share your knowledge about different kinds of scotch and whiskey without actually having any, and no one will notice.  They will think you are so smart!

The unprecedented power of karaoke

At this point, you are free to tell stories very loudly while interrupting people, sing karaoke and dance to whatever music is playing.  This is crucial to really being drunk, because people will think you are sober unless you dance.

You can now transition to the final stage of the evening:  shots.  Shots are important, because they are fast and powerful, and it is very easy to get other people to drink them as part of things called “drinking games.”  Then everyone else will sing and dance, too, and you will have succeeded in turning the bar into a party.  Everyone will remember you did this, and they will thank you, probably by buying you alcohol.

Very important is to stay suave.  Do not throw up!  If you do, you will be Lame, especially if you throw up on someone.  If you have to throw up, be sure to do so in private – in the bathroom or in a dark corner.  If you do throw up in front of people, try to turn the situation to your advantage by raising your arms in victory shouting, “Takin’ one for the team, yeah!”  Then they will appreciate you for your sacrifice.

At this point, you are very drunk and it is very late.  Be sure that you are not the last to leave and make sure you have not been photographed doing anything too embarrassing.  Do not forget that you came with things like a wallet and a phone, so you don’t leave them behind like you did last time.  Thank your bartender on the way out since you may be back and you want them to remember how good you are at getting drunk – with both skill and style.

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