How to Be a Ninja

May 5, 2011 § 5 Comments

To be a ninja, you must have “skills,” which are hard to learn because hardly anyone knows them, and those who do aren’t allowed to tell you.

This gives the game away!

This is like a ninja “code of silence,” but most importantly, it means that once you become one, you are not allowed to brag to all your non-ninja friends.  This means you cannot wear a headband with the word “ninja” on it.  Sorry.

Being a ninja is also really bad for your social life, because you will have to spend a lot of time being quiet and sneaking around.  This makes it very hard to sustain a relationship, because people do not like “creeps” – that means, people who “creep,” which pretty much rules out ninjas.  Sorry.

Training to be a ninja is a lot of work!  It involves getting beat up by people who just want to help you reach your full potential.  This means that you will probably be covered in bruises and be in constant pain for at least 5-10 years.  Sorry.

Now that you are ready to begin your training, you have to find someone who will train you.  This is no easy matter, because like regular ninja, sensei are very hard to find.  This is probably because they are wearing masks.

Ninja masks have magical properties.  Not only do they make you invisible, but they also let you see in the dark.  If you walk around wearing a ninja mask long enough, you will eventually spot a sensei.

Important to remember is that if you see a sensei, then that means the sensei probably saw you at least two hours ago.  If you are still alive, that means that you have potential, and you are very lucky.  Get ready, because your training is about to begin!

You are about to get beat up, which is called “learning how to fight.”  Eventually this will include “learning how to fight – with weapons,” which is the best part!  That means you can play with very sharp objects which are probably illegal.  However, this is ok, provided you do not make loud, unnecessary sounds when you hit things.  Real ninja do not do this.  Sorry.

Being a ninja means you have to be good at multi-tasking – ninja must do more than just fight!  As a ninja, you also have to know how to escape from things.  This means, you must have some really cool moves.  To practice, you can view any room or street as an impromptu obstacle course.  There is so much out there for you to jump over and climb!  One day, you will be able to jump off ledges, scale the walls of buildings, and do cool things in trees.

Ninja Tree Skills, Level 4

Because ninja are also spies, you have to be really good at surveillance.  This means you must not only be able to run, jump, and climb trees, but you must also be able to think really fast.  Ninja training involves not only physical, but mental hardship, too!  This is good, because there are so many ways to practice making your brain hurt, one of which is the New York Times Saturday crossword puzzle.

You cannot surveil someone if they can see you.  This is why ninja are so good at hiding.  The invisibility masks help, but true ninja can hide even without them.  You can get really good at this by practicing creeping up on people.  Remember, you cannot explain why you’re doing this by telling them about being a ninja, so they probably won’t be your friends for long.

This is ok, because the ninja lifestyle does not really support having friends, anyway.  You cannot have friends unless you are able to relax, and you cannot relax when you are constantly on the alert.  This means you will have to give up things other than friends, like sleep.

Ninja do not sleep – they only wait.

And they're not even wearing masks!

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You are currently reading How to Be a Ninja at Irreverent Guide to Life.



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