How to Have a Royal Wedding (In 10 Easy Steps)

April 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

Royal weddings are not really very important, but this is ok because everyone still wants to have one or go to one.  This means that they will never go out of style!  However, because you have to be Special to be invited to one, and Very Special to have one of your own, that rules out pretty much everyone.

This might make you sad, because you do not have an ancestor who made an Awesome Power Grab so many years ago – and without one, you cannot be a Very Special Person today.  Not, unless, you convince someone Very Special that you have so much potential:  maybe you could becomeSpecial, if only you had Hats!        

One:  Without Hats, you cannot have a royal wedding.  Like with the Harry Potter “sorting hat,” you become something when you put them on!  In Harry Potter you could become a “Gryffindor,” but in Real Life, you could become Special.

nunc est bibendum!

Now that you are Special and on your way to marrying into Very Special, you need fans.  Without many people who think you are beautiful and wish they could be you instead, you will not be famous enough to deserve possibly hurting the economy for your wedding.

Two:  Without adoring subjects, you cannot have a royal wedding.  You need people who you can wave at and who like you enough to keep coming to look at you, even though you didn’t invite them to your party.

If you have won the popularity contest, then you can move on to the next steps, which are no fun at all!  Because you have adoring fans all over the planet, you have to pick some who can be Special-For-A-Day.  You do this by sending out magic invitations, which are so fancy that they lift the recipient to a whole new level of temporary self-worth.

Three:  Without fancy invitations, you cannot have a royal wedding.  You must pay close attention to many tiring details, like fonts, size, and mode of delivery.  Make sure you greet the person as a one of your subjects who is commanded to come to your party, because the Queen said so.  Also, be sure to engrave something.  It really does not matter what.

With crowds of people to return your waves with love, you can concentrate on clothes.  It is fun to wear clothes that cost a lot because of the name of the person who made them, but it is so hard to pick because you can only wear one thing on your Special Day.  If this is depressing, remember that because you are about to become a Very Special Person, you will be invited to so many parties, and you will need to buy so many more expensive outfits!

Four:  Without the right clothes, you cannot have a royal wedding.  You need a crazy dress that is also like a jewelry case, because it has so many diamonds and stuff glued onto it.  Make sure that it is so long that you can hire some people to carry all that extra fabric you just wasted.

Five:  Very relevant here is other people’s clothes.  To truly become Very Special, you need many people to wear military uniforms, with lots of tassels and buttons.  A sash is a nice touch, but not necessary.

Six:  The last important thing about clothes is that your Special Guests cannot dress like they are just going to a movie.  This is probably the most important thing they will go to in their lives!  It may be their only chance to wear things like “morning coats” and “lounge coats,” which are really just suit jackets that become “lounge coats” when you were them to weddings in England.  Sometimes, people even fightabout them!

I am morning coat. Wear me.

There is one more super-important detail that you need to plan, and in physical size it is the biggest of them all.  This is your setting:  think about where you want to be when you complete your transition to being a Very Special Person.  Many people who become Royal from scratch, or change from one brand of Royal to another, look for really old buildings with lots of “Historical Importance.”  No one really knows why this is, but it probably has to do with low self-esteem.

Seven:  Without the right setting, you cannot have a royal wedding.  Try to find a castle you can rent, although owning one is probably better.  Then you can have some after-parties, and no one will kick you out!

Boy, you are almost there!  Now that you are ready for your big day, you can start having some fun.  And what is more fun than making sure all your adoring subjects pay attention to you “arriving”?  This is why you have to “arrive” for a very long time, maybe 30 minutes, so that all the people you didn’t invite can at least look at you.

Eight:  Without a Big Entrance, you cannot have a royal wedding.  Here, you need to have at least two things – because if you forget about one of them, you will never make it to your Historically Important Setting.  You need both a gilded carriage and many white horses.  What this means is that you will basically be sitting in a gold nugget with wheels, and you need white horses to pull it.  They have to be white, because white horses are the only kind that is strong enough to pull all that gold behind them!

Congratulations – you are now Very Special!  And everyone is excited to meet you!  For this, you need a dramatic balcony to wave from.

Nine:  Without a dramatic balcony to wave from, you cannot have a royal wedding.  If you do not wave from a dramatic balcony after your ceremony, you will nullify the whole thing.  Then, you will have to start all over.

From your dramatic balcony, you will need to tell everyone what they need to call you from now on.  This is the very best part of all:  your title!

Ten:  Without a royal title, you cannot have a royal wedding.  Like the dramatic balcony, if you do not have a title, you are in trouble.  You cannot really be a Very Special Person without one, so being titled is like sealing the deal – that makes it for real!  Just what your title will be is chosen by a process no one really understands, but there are lots of things to consider.  This is like choosing where to sit wedding guests at the reception – you have to put them in just the right spot, in the right relation to other people, or else you’re going to piss someone off.

When in doubt, remember, you can always ask the Internet.

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You are currently reading How to Have a Royal Wedding (In 10 Easy Steps) at Irreverent Guide to Life.



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